Telling your Parents

Though they appreciated and respected our reasons for waiting, Terry's and my parents have always expressed how much they couldn't wait for us to have children. We knew that adding the additional stress of a child, during a time when we were so focused on getting our careers off the ground, would be a bad idea. Now looking back, I can't help but wonder if we had known that our fertility time was limited, would we have made a different choice? 

 Lately I have been thinking about any potential signs I missed, or red flags I could have ignored. Any clue to alert me that something was amiss. Its difficult to accept, as a typically healthy person, that I could have had something like this happening in my body and there be no signals to alarm me to it. But that is a dangerous road to go down. To begin questioning the 'what if's' and 'could have been's'. It only makes for deeper regret and disappointment.

 The day we found out, as I have said in previous blogs and posts, was pretty close to the worst day I can remember. The realization that I had to now confess this horrible truth to all our loved ones, family and friends was even harder. With each phone call, it was like reliving the news over and over again. Like reporting that a loved family member has died,... before it even has had a chance to live. 

 My mother was equally as hurt and upset by the news as we were. My father was sad too, but very reassuring. He said all the right things that I needed to hear at that moment. That everything would be okay. That we would make a family one way or another. That regardless of how Terry and I made a child happen, our families would love it fully and entirely no matter what. That made it a little better...  

 I do have moments where people at work, or new people we meet ask the typical 'getting to know you' questions about if we want to have children and I pause.... I have a moment of panic and hesitation. It stabs me in the heart all over again. It reminds me that 'we want to have kids' just isn't as easy as I had always implied all those times I'd said it before. Do I tell them honestly and then make it awkward for us both? Or do I just say the easy 'yes, we want to have kids soon' and leave it at that. Usually I just say that we do want to have kids, but the weird hesitation and look on my face I'm sure confuses them. 

Like any big change or devastation in life, time helps to make it a little more bearable. Our lives still keep moving forward. Terry gets closer to graduation and we have the benefit show to look forward to. Each step keeps getting us a little closer to our family goal. I'm trying to make a bigger effort in what choices I make for diet and exercise.  I know that making my body run as efficiently as possible will only help our chances with implantation. I think I would like to start meditation. I've tried to do it in the past, but I have a hard time quieting my mind enough or I just end up falling asleep. Any suggestions for better mental and physical health are appreciated! 

For now I will just keep trying to make the best of everyday. To continue to be thankful for all the incredible support both of us have been shown from people we know well and some we have only met because of this. I have a lot to be appreciative of and I try to only focus on those things. To keep positive and not allow my past ways of wallowing in the bad catch up with me. It helps to have a partner that is there every step to remind you of all the good and push past the bad. We do our best to face it together. Like Bonnie and Clyde (without the robbery), Sid and Nancy (minus the drug use), or  Elizabeth and Richard (but no divorce). I believe we will get through this and have the family we have always wanted.