Telling your Parents

Though they appreciated and respected our reasons for waiting, Terry's and my parents have always expressed how much they couldn't wait for us to have children. We knew that adding the additional stress of a child, during a time when we were so focused on getting our careers off the ground, would be a bad idea. Now looking back, I can't help but wonder if we had known that our fertility time was limited, would we have made a different choice? 

 Lately I have been thinking about any potential signs I missed, or red flags I could have ignored. Any clue to alert me that something was amiss. Its difficult to accept, as a typically healthy person, that I could have had something like this happening in my body and there be no signals to alarm me to it. But that is a dangerous road to go down. To begin questioning the 'what if's' and 'could have been's'. It only makes for deeper regret and disappointment.

 The day we found out, as I have said in previous blogs and posts, was pretty close to the worst day I can remember. The realization that I had to now confess this horrible truth to all our loved ones, family and friends was even harder. With each phone call, it was like reliving the news over and over again. Like reporting that a loved family member has died,... before it even has had a chance to live. 

 My mother was equally as hurt and upset by the news as we were. My father was sad too, but very reassuring. He said all the right things that I needed to hear at that moment. That everything would be okay. That we would make a family one way or another. That regardless of how Terry and I made a child happen, our families would love it fully and entirely no matter what. That made it a little better...  

 I do have moments where people at work, or new people we meet ask the typical 'getting to know you' questions about if we want to have children and I pause.... I have a moment of panic and hesitation. It stabs me in the heart all over again. It reminds me that 'we want to have kids' just isn't as easy as I had always implied all those times I'd said it before. Do I tell them honestly and then make it awkward for us both? Or do I just say the easy 'yes, we want to have kids soon' and leave it at that. Usually I just say that we do want to have kids, but the weird hesitation and look on my face I'm sure confuses them. 

Like any big change or devastation in life, time helps to make it a little more bearable. Our lives still keep moving forward. Terry gets closer to graduation and we have the benefit show to look forward to. Each step keeps getting us a little closer to our family goal. I'm trying to make a bigger effort in what choices I make for diet and exercise.  I know that making my body run as efficiently as possible will only help our chances with implantation. I think I would like to start meditation. I've tried to do it in the past, but I have a hard time quieting my mind enough or I just end up falling asleep. Any suggestions for better mental and physical health are appreciated! 

For now I will just keep trying to make the best of everyday. To continue to be thankful for all the incredible support both of us have been shown from people we know well and some we have only met because of this. I have a lot to be appreciative of and I try to only focus on those things. To keep positive and not allow my past ways of wallowing in the bad catch up with me. It helps to have a partner that is there every step to remind you of all the good and push past the bad. We do our best to face it together. Like Bonnie and Clyde (without the robbery), Sid and Nancy (minus the drug use), or  Elizabeth and Richard (but no divorce). I believe we will get through this and have the family we have always wanted. 

Car for sale to add to donations!

Liz's mom has donated a car for us to sell for the cause. If we can sell it, all the money will go towards our 30K goal! Please pass along if you know anyone that would be interested!
http://lawrence.craigslist.org/cto/4840310346.html

Other avenues

We inquired about possibly finding grants that might apply to us to help cover some of the cost but unfortunately we don't fit into any demographics that would offer grants.
Just trying to explore all avenues. Who knew making a baby could be so hard!
TT

New to this crowd funding thing...

Since I have never done this crowd funding thing before, I am not sure how this works but I emailed Gofundme for details.
Yesterday we had $900 in donations disappear. From what I can tell they must have been retractions / refunds? The weird thing is all the donations that disappeared were from anonymous and people we didn't know. If anyone has ever experienced this before, please comment below or message me.
Thx a ton!
Terry

RIP Dave Miller. You were a great dude and always supported what I was trying to do in Sioux Falls. The circle of life is pretty crazy, as Liz and I are trying to bring someone into the world, we have lost someone beautiful. My heart goes out to Dave's family.

TT

$5,000 in 3 days

I just can not believe in 3 days we have raised over $5,000. This whole experience has proven there are still many wonderful people in the world. All the support, kind words, stories, referrals, & donations has been life changing for us. I hope that some day we can do something to repay all of you, even if it just means being the most amazing parents we can be.
I will think of you all every day the rest of my life.
Bring it in for a group hug...
TT

Dealing With The Big "I".

Infertile... Empty... Barren... Less than... Unable... Failure... I cringe at all the words. The day we received the news, it was delivered like a punch in the gut. Quickly and without a moments hesitation, I was now in the category of 'infertile'. Was this to now be my brand? My new burden? When we decided to go public with our baby dilemma, I had a few moments of panic. Will everyone now just label us as the couple who can't conceive? I know that we have amazing friends who know there is much more to us as a couple than our ability to make a baby. But there is always that little voice in the back of your head when meeting someone new... So now I just have to accept that this inability is now part of what makes us, us. This is just one more hurtle for us to jump over. This last year has been full of them. With me finishing school, passing boards, getting a new job, Terry going to school full time, me being the financial supporter, my Step Dad dying, helping my mother as a new widow... All of these things challenged us, but never broke us. So this too will be one more obstacle we can overcome.
So now I struggle with the reality of this. My personal genetic legacy is at an end. No one will ever have 'your eyes' or 'your smile'.. All of the things that people usually say when cooing over a new bundle of baby, will never be true for me. This is the mourning that I am going through. I see these genetic thumbprints in my nephews smile, and my heart hurts a little, because I will never see that kind of reflection looking back at me.    I know this is the ego talking and it will eventually come to pass. But I want to be honest and tell you all the truth of this experience and not sugar coat the matter. Time has made this a little easier to accept, but I have breakdowns. I have moments when the weight of reality becomes too much and it tears through the surface with me unable to hold it back. I have the most amazing partner in the world. He makes every effort to understand and to be supportive. Without him, I think this would have only been devastating. Instead it is now hopeful.
The thought of getting to actually experience pregnancy eases the heartache. The ability to grow a baby within yourself, to feel its movement, to supply its lifeline, to carry it to its first breath, is truly a miracle. And it is one I so desperately want to experience. Life is just that. A long line of experiences. Ones that make us grow, and change. I want this so badly to be a part of mine. It is the one thing when you grow up as a girl that is ingrained in you. Women make babies. So when you are unable to do the one thing, as a woman, you should be able to accomplish... there is a huge sense of loss and failure.
The more we inch closer to creating this baby, the more I realize that what it is made of genetically makes little to no difference. It is equal parts nature and nurture. A child is a pliable, mailable, impressionable mass that absorbs its surroundings like a sponge. Regardless of what its genetic components are, it will be part of Terry and I. We can only try our hardest at being the best possible parents and love every second of it.